English+Jokes

You are a chickenA man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?" "Two years," says the man. "Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: To get away from Colonel Sanders!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? A: To get to the other slide.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the beach? A: To get to the other tide.

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road? A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!" Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!" "Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail. At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!" The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

A frog calls a psychic
Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?" "No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

A snail buys a fast new car
There was once a snail who was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S". The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?" The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving." Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee. The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"

A good chess player
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen." "Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Three very tough mice
Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness. The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!" The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!" Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Steven Wright on dogs
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I had a dog once. I spilled spot remover on him, and now he's gone.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.

The story of the bats
Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us." The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood. The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?" "Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

There was just a dog fight
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that rottweiler outside?" "Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?" "Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..." "What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?" "Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">He is a very smart dog
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man. "That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film." The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Two fools are about to go flying
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Two fools stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms. After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground. Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one guy says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping." The other fool replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">An amazing talking dog
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">A man and his dog walk into a bar. The man proclaims, "I'll bet you a round of drinks that my dog can talk."
 * Bartender:** "Yeah! Sure...go ahead."
 * Man:** "What covers a house?"
 * Dog:** "Roof!"


 * Man:** "How does sandpaper feel?"
 * Dog:** "Rough!"


 * Man:** "Who was the greatest ball player of all time?"
 * Dog:** "Ruth!"

The bartender, annoyed at this point, throws both of them out the door. Sitting on the sidewalk, the dog looks at the guy and says, "or is the greatest player Mantle?"
 * Man:** "Pay up. I told you he could talk."

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Two roaches having a discussion
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant. "I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines." "Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: Why did the turtle cross the road? A: To get to the Shell station!

Q: Why did the chicken scientist cross the road? A: To invent the other side.

Q: Why did chicken Jim Morrison cross the road? A: To break on through to the other side.

Q: Why do birds fly South? A: Because it's too far to walk.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: Why do hummingbirds hum? A: Because they don't know the words.

Q: Why was the crow perched on a telephone wire? A: He was going to make a long-distance caw.

Q: What did the chick say when it saw an orange in the nest? A: Look at the orange mama laid.

Q: Why do seagulls live near the sea? A: Because if they lived near the bay, they would be called bagels.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: Diner: I can't eat this chicken. Call the manager. A: Waiter: It's no use. He can't eat it either.

Q: Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? A: The outside.

Q: What do you get when you cross a parrot with a centipede? A: A walkie-talkie, of course.

Q: Why don't they play poker in the jungle? A: Too many cheetahs.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma? A: One has the paws before the claws and the other has the clause before the pause.

Q: Where do dogs go when they lose their tails? A: To the retail store.

Q: What kind of dog tells time? A: A watch dog

Q: What has four legs and an arm? A: A happy pit bull.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: Why is a tree like a dog? A: Because they both lose their bark when they die.

Q: Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund? A: Everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

Q: Did you hear about the new breed in pet shops? A: They crossed a pit bull with a collie; it bites your leg off and goes for help.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a whale? A: A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road? A: Chicken's day off.

Q: Why do elephants have trunks? A: Because they would look silly with glove compartments.

Q: How can you tell if an elephant is getting ready to charge? A: He pulls out his Visa card.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Cow on train tracks
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Installing a Carpet
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes, he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. Here, she said, handling him his pack of cigarettes. I found them in the hallway. Now, she said, if only I could find my parakeet.

<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Piano jokes
<span style="font-family: times new roman,helvetica;">Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? A: A flat minor.

Q: What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? A: A flat major.

Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? A: C sharp or B flat.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? A: A sharp major.

jokes provided by AHA Jokes